57 masquerade

I'm amused tonight, because my Mr Guilty Pleasure recognized me from really far away and he smiled and waved. awfully nice of him. it didn't exactly make my day, but it still made me feel so gratified. albeit momentarily.

LOL I know how that sounds, but you know I've barely spoken more than three sentences to him in my entire life. YOU would be momentarily gratified too if you totally dug some guy, but have never actually had a proper conversation with him, and then he knows your face already.

...oh damn, I wish I had a better way to cheer myself up. this getting over ___ just takes the fight right out of me. why can't it be easier, a hundred times easier!

56 ):

I'm jealous. I swear to god, I'm sooo jealous of herrr. ): I would give anything to be the one in his eyes. she's fresh to death and every little thing he does when he's around her, breaks a little piece of my heart off every time. ): ): ): ): i know it sounds like my heart's an oreo cookie that you break pieces off of and dip in milk or something, but it really feels that way.

I want to meet someone new, but I wish I never had to see him again. it really hurts damn a lot.

): ):

55 Cats!

hello! well I just watched Cats, the musical, at esplanade. caught the matinee show.

hm, it was very impressive, I mean theatrics-wise it was really very spectacular, how they coordinated all the lights and sounds and the choreography and all that. seriously, the theatrical aspect was I think really good. better than phantom of the opera and hairspray.

the songs weren't really to my liking but they were very very very well-performed, I mean these people can really sing man! they sound like opera singers, every one of them... and the precision with which everything was executed was quite amazing as well. if you're a theatre buff, you'd probably love to catch Cats.

I personally wasn't very excited about it after I saw it though, heh. well obviously I'm not a theatre buff, and also, I didn't get the storyline. I dunno, I just didn't quite catch the lyrics, which is the most essential part, considering how it's a musical, and all. I came home and I really googled "cats synopsis" hahaha and THEN I got how every scene fit in!

I still don't think it was a waste of money, though. I mean everything else other than the plot was fantastic! it's supposed to be a parody of society, I think. wouldn't make much sense if it wasn't...

check it out, it's my fave Cat. I call him the Hard Gay Cat. he's got pelvis action that could rival the real deal, after all...



3:25 - 4:00 <3 his character's the Rum Tum Tugger, he got the loudest cheers from the audience just now when they were doing that thingy that they do after musicals.. and plays? where everybody comes out individuallyand bows and all that.

so yeah, got to watch the cat Grizabella perform Memory. which is still the only song that i like out of the whole musical... hahaha. it was quite touching towards the end, especially when she finally got accepted back into society. ^^

sigh. still, phantom of the opera is definitely way better.... even though it can't quite match up in terms of theatrics.. but it's sweeter, and way more touching, and... it's more romantic. hahaha. :)

as for hairspray.... it's a no-brainer. hairspray comes in last. lol. despite the fact that it was the only time in my entire life that I've seen two guys french each other right there and then onstage. (cos we got to watch it in UK on the lit trip, it was quite a night to remember :) )

yay that was my third musical to date! :) now for Les Miserables.

the only other musical that I've wanted to watch other than this is the one about the Sesame Street Muppets gone wrong. but then i think that would have been a waste of my money.

moving on. cya guys.

55 gapai semua jemariku

rangkul aku dalam bahagiamu :)

mum sent me this link. you gotta watch it, it's damn silly. :P



okay anyway I just had the most disconcerting experience EVER. :x seriously...

you know there's this person in school who is aptly nicknamed The RJ Pontianak? (well ask around if you don't, I'm sure someone knows. and if you're not from RJ, well hehe she's not a School Ghost, though she definitely does look the part...)

I saw two ahlians today like that, ONLY WORSE.

let's have a scale. from 1 to 10. 1 being least makeup (or none). and 10 being most. people like me (and most of my friends, I think..) who almost never wear makeup... are at 1. RJ pontianak is way above us at um maybe 9... but the ahlians I'm talking about were at like um 59?

FIFTY NINEEEE. I'M NOT KIDDING, I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH MAKEUP ON ONE PERSON BEFORE. FOR THAT MATTER, I HAVE NEVER SEEN TWO PEOPLE WITH SO MUCH MAKEUP ON THEIR FACES.

I was going to get on the train, and then I caught a whiff of something nasty. not nasty like Boys' Socks Nasty. nasty like Oh God You Call That Perfume?? kind of nasty. -.- and I saw a flash of white beside me when I turned my head a little bit.

....and it turned out to be these two ahlians. I SWEAR I WAS DAMN HORRIFIED when I first saw them. really. they had SO MUCH MAKEUP ON, it looked like they were Deformed. and it was so hot, obviously they'd sweat.

there was so MUCH EYELINER, and blusher, and mascara, and foundation, and powder, and GOD KNOWS WHAT OTHER TOXIC SUBSTANCES THEY CONSIDER MAKEUP, and it was ALLLLLLLLL MELTING. FREAKING MELTING. I swear, their faces were so damn shiny! and it wasn't JUST because of sweat, the makeup was realllllllly starting to melt, like you know how goo looks like when it splats against the wall and starts to slide down it?

okay it wasn't that bad, but I could just imagine the makeup doing thatttttttt. and their PERFUME! I HAD TO SIT BESIDE THOSE TWO BOBOHEADS FOR SIX DAMN STATIONS. SIX DAMN STATIONS WORTH OF SMELLING THAT HORRIBLE THING THAT THEY CALL PERFUME, and I couldn't just get up! or wrinkle my nose, because obviously that's damn rude, since

1. I WANT A GODDAMN SEAT, getting a seat on a crowded train is like HAH I HAVE A SEAT, YOU DON'T. I wasn't gonna get up!
2. I was gunning for another seat ACROSS from those.....dildos. and a chij girl STOLE IT. AHHHHHHHH I have never disliked those people more. (I don't think I have ij friends... i think. hur.)

I had to crane my neck to pretend like I was so interested in observing the bloody scenery zooming past outside the train. wtf. just to avoid smelling the horrible Eau De Toilet (oh, did I misspell, oh ooops...)

then I got off the train and I'm like "YEAHH I'M FREE BABY FREEEEEE." so I walked as fast as I could to the traffic light junction. and then I stood there breathing the fresh slightly polluted air, and then THAT SAME HORRIBLE STENCH came up my nostrils again. SHIT!?

I just turned right round and glared at them, and I walked off right to the front of the people waiting for the Green Man to be turned on. (hoho)

EW seriously... I mean I know this is coming from a girl who never wears makeup, and so cannot possibly comprehend the wonders of Making Yourself Up, but MAN. DO THESE PEOPLE NOT KNOW THE LIMITS?! WHAT IS SO FREAKING PRETTY ABOUT LOOKING LIKE A FREAKING..... GEISHA?!

sigh. please enlighten me. at this point I am proud to proclaim that the only time that I ever wear blusher is Hari Raya. and Prom, in sec4, haha. and that I think bothering to slather foundation and powder and whatever on your face is really too much of a hassle for a not-so-special occassion. haha.

never has my opinion been more strongly reinforced before today's events. sigh.

if you can understand the me,

then i can understand the you!

lol, I reread the post and I don't even know what I'm talking about.

which is a phrase that I seem to be using a lot these days: "I don't know what I'm talking about." and then as an added bonus, "..do you?" (to which the usual reply is a very relieved "no, I don't know either...)

54 who gives a damn?

just got berated at because of the state of my grades.

I really do not need this right now. don't you think I would know how much my grades suck, fuck la.

... i don't really talk out a lot of stuff with my friends this year, not when I'm pissed or just plain bothered about something. last year it used to be the case that every time I got worked up about something I'd jump at the chance to talk to somebody about it. now I just dump everything in one corner and immunize myself to being affected in any way, and I move on...

not really sure why this is the case.. it's worked well in some aspects, cos there are some things I really musn't tell just anyone... like there are some things I only tell my cousins without telling my friends, there are some things i only tell my friends without telling my cousins... and then there's some things I don't even tell anyone at all. lol

but I've always been the kind of person who runs to a friend and spills all the moment I get the chance to. it's just this year that's different. actually, it isn't that I can't explain why I've changed that way... last year I told some people some stuff only to hear them tell me exactly what they think about me because of that.. I don't need that shit. :x but that's not the main reason, I get over that kind of crap relatively faster than some other people i know..

I think I've been doing this for the sake of someone else, without even realizing that I'm doing it because of that someone... for his/her sake and mine, I pray it works out...

although I kind of enjoy it. it's just a very peaceful feeling when I lie there in bed staring at the ceiling thinking things over so I don't go crazy with all the things going through my brain every day... just that place nobody can get in. it's me myself and I and nobody's gonna knock on the door and come in, because it's too late at night.

this post doesn't make much sense, I didn't even think about it that much before writing. verbal diarrhoea? hahhaha.. well. gnite.

53 saving jane :)

tripping up on my tongue,
it's all over my face, and I'm racing
got to get away from you

burning all the way home
I try to put it in bed, but it chases
every little thing I do

when the light falls on your face,
don't let it change on you
when the stars get in your eyes,
don't let it blind you..

you're beautiful, just the way you are :)

it's so goddamn sweet. I remember when I was really emoing over somebody a few years back, it was this exact song that kept going in my mind, like it was playing on loop even without me plugging my earpieces in my ear... bittersweet memories. this song is maybe one of the best songs ever written.. for me at least :)

52

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51 tell me what you did to me,

I'm crashing to the sky.

I swear, sometimes I wanna take some people by the shoulders, look into their eyes and scream some sense into them, until I get past that incredibly thick, impenetrable skull of theirs.

but. I'm just too nice. apparently my friends will attest to my inability to be mean even when I want to. should I be glad? I don't know, it ticks me off somehow.

sigh. if I seem irritable, it's just because I am. I've not had a single good night's sleep this week, and it isn't purely because of work, although I might add, that does significantly figure as one of the reasons for my sleep deprivation.

I just lie in bed thinking. because that's the only peace I have the whole day, when there's no one there but me, and my thoughts just go into overdrive. it's irritating, although I do like thinking about things. reflecting. you could say it's a pastime. haha. see when I think about things, I really think damn hard about them and 90% of the time I get really affected by the conclusions I come to. it makes me restless and it's hard to sleep when you're restless. -.-

if there's one thing I learnt from the way things have turned out since last year though, it's that I would rather keep all these thoughts to myself than go to a friend and have verbal diarrhoea about the things I think about... they're not dumping grounds for disturbing thoughts.

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I saw that yellow paper that kwok had us write on in class, the one where everybody writes down your positive traits. "deep thinker". I really don't remember how I became one of those people who thought so much about things, I wasn't like this in secondary school at all. I love it, though, despite the pitfalls.. it's who I am.

yeaaaaaaaa I know how lame that sounds, but really I wouldn't be me if I stopped doing so much thinking about Life. hahaha. :)

I really have to stop this stupid habit of mine, becoming a googly-eyed mess around certain people. okay, around two guys. -.- it would sure save me a hell lot of embarrassment. half the time I don't even know what I'm talking about when I'm in this state, and I mean I really just blurt whatever comes to mind.

and that's not good, because my thoughts never, never ever, come coherently, even in normal situations... except when I'm dead serious about something, like doing work, or just reflecting.

50 get back on those feet!

today was so full of shit.

tonight is gonna be full of shit too. I have tuition, like now, basically until 10pm. which means I'm going to die. because I haven't done lit, no sirree not at all, and I'm still quite lost about the stupid poems.

I was set to cry already in the morning today, and I wasn't even paying attention to a single word that the lecturer was saying. I really didn't hear a single word. I was beginning to tear. but then it would have been humiliating to cry in the middle of nowhere, so I ducked away to the toilet and basically shut everything out.

which really isn't very good. I can't think straight now. ):

but thanks you guys. everyone who tried to cheer me up, it really means alot! though it didn't do much, because i'm just really stubborn like that, but really I appreciate it loads.. :)

ct2 is gonna be ten times harder, and I'm wayyy scared. honestly, there hasn't been a point in my life before this where I wish I was that much smarter.

it just isn't fair that some people put in effort, and don't get the results. but then other people don't put in as much effort and still get better results. that sucks.

but if you look at it in perspective, it just means you've got to change the way you study. cos there's no way in hell you could change the way God's made you.

GO ME.

...think I really need to do some serious thinking about this whole thing. another day. I'm really damn tired now. omgosh haha I just fell asleep on my laptop! how cool am I.

...not cool at all. ugh. WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUTTT T_T that's it, goodnight suckers

49 69... minus twenty =p

I should really keep my thoughts to myself sometimes, you know? it just comes out like that, I just blurt it out without thinking about anything else and then I regret it -.-

well if you happen to be one of the many many people whom I've victimized with this particular trait of mine, I'm sorry. I really don't mean to be intentionally mean. I'm just bloody frank sometimes.

and you know whatever thoughts I may have, I never hold it against you! haha that's my one saving grace (hopefully). eek.

and it makes me want to scream, both out of plain joy and out of pure misery. one second I'm six feet under the stars and I've got him in my eyes and the next I'm down in the dumps and I'm hurting because nothing's set in stone

I swear I've never been more into anyone before this. and it sucks but it's the best feeling in the world at the same time, I don't know how to do this.

I'm scared, I wanna have faith but I really am very scared, because I don't know what to expect

it is so freaking hard to do this. ):

48 bmtc.

geeez.

if you have a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, then for goodness' sake stick with him/her. nobody worth loving is ever gonna find you amazing enough if you can't even stay loyal to your love.

and if you want to fall in love, you don't just go through men/women like you go through underwear (all sexual innuendo is hereby fully acknowledged), and claim to be so much in love with a new boy/girl every few months or so, that's bullshit.

that's just being in love with love, not being in love with a person. you fall in love with a person, you might as well be ready to give every single ounce of your soul, everything you've got, and I mean everything, to that person.

it's not just for fun.

I know it's weird, coming from me, seeing how I was last year. but I was 16, now 17. one year is enough, trust me, to put perspective into alot of things.. I am disgusted by the number of people i claimed to really like last year, but hey at least I learnt something out of it. don't really regret it, in that sense. although it is still mortifyingly embarrassing..

anyways.

had the BMTC learning journey thingum today. it was quite good lah actually. okay maybe not good, I refuse to call it good since I still don't see what it has to do with me, but it was... an eye-opening experience.

oh yeah. BMTC = basic military trg ctr. at pulau tekong.

basically quite fun, hearing the guide's army stories. I'm tempted to go QUAIL?! every time someone says 'bird' now. oh and use as many 'ho lan' references as possible hahaha.

so to cut the story short right,

1. everyone reacted the same way whenever I told them I'm going pulau tekong for learning journey: "walao you're a girl, you go there do what, stare at hot guys ah?"

2. there weren't as many hot guys there lah actually. in fact, not a single one. okay maybe chermaine will violently object to that... haha

3. I found out that my ex is insanely inhumanly fit. he's a freaking fitness specialist. that's like being a pe teacher for people in NS. omg?!

4. shooting a gun in a simulated environment in NS is nothing like shooting a gun in a simulated environment in Time Crisis 4 at ezone.

5. WHY IS MY EX SO INSANELY FIT, WHEN I AM CAN'T EVEN RUN 2.4? it bothers me. I don't know why anything ever happened. -.-

anyways. life is so weird.

went to eat at popeyes at t3 after the whole thing. I was so damn tired. I love popeyes food, it's just that it's SOOOOOOO much. or maybe it's just that I got the chicken wing and the chicken's 36C-cup boobs, oops I mean chicken breast.

but it's nice. it's actually filling. lol

anyways (third time I've used that term, I realize, lol) I was so damn tired in the train on the way home, I just sat down right there in the middle of the train, when everyone else was standing and being squished together like sardines, at the thing which joins each carriage to the other. the metal floor part.

I didn't care about anything else, just fell asleep right there. hahhaha. looking very weird, I suppose, but oh well.

now I'm going to sleep bye :)

47 jellyfish boy.

optimism. you either curse it or embrace it.

I realize I have this tendency to be slightly (exasperatingly, actually) optimistic. it's automatic to me. when something screws up, I just naturally look on the bright side of things, and I make the bright side really shine, at least to myself, even if the "bright side" is actually lacking in sheen.

(that's provided things don't screw up too badly. lol. so far the only time things screwed up that badly was once in my entire life. thank God. :) )

I always have this picture in my mind of how things "should" be and I always comfort myself using that particular image. I never stop believing that that's how things would be if I actually continuously work at it. no matter how improbable or seemingly ridiculous or far-fetched the image might seem to other people, it just sticks in my mind as something that will and should happen, given the right amount of effort and Divine Will. haha.

call it stupid, call it unrealistic, but I actually like this about myself. I guess it's my way of coping with things. leave things behind and hope for the brightest future possible.

-

moving on. today was quite hilarious. went to the library with polly after school today. we went to the toilet before going in, and there was this PW PI draft on the metal shelf thing (which evidently has no purpose -.-) and polly picked it up.

me: "internationalization of SMEs... oh it's PW! the PI. wah." -looks through-
polly: "omgoodness I don't even remember anything about PI lah."
me: "eh it's the PI eh, I can't believe the person just left it behind like this. in the toilet, of all places!"
polly: "yea! very careless eh!"
me: "it's damn STUPID to just leave it behind like this!"
polly: "yea, I wonder whose it is..."
me: ............ "uhoh." -whispers- "maybe it's the girl inside the toilet's one, then she just put it there for the time being."

and then we both hightailed it out of the toilet hahahahaha. damn funny. I practically shouted that the person who left it behind must be damn stupid. lol.... :P

andand!

1. don't blame me for even looking through it, it's public property once you leave it in a public place.
2. admit it, you don't remember anything about the PI either. ^^
3. ...must have been a SHITTY pi, cos the person left it in the toilet = FULL OF SHIT :D

WHAHAHAHAHAHA

okay that wasn't funny.







that was HILARIOUS! :D

haha okay well in other news. (well old news lah actually. wtvs)

the whole reason why I started talking about optimism in the first place is because I got some of my results back ready, and the very fact that I'm talking about optimism shows something about the state of my grades huh.

yea well they're not THAT bad... I'm serious. actually considering how I did for promos last year, it's an improvement. especially for math.

(IT DAMN WELL BETTER BE AN IMPROVEMENT FOR MATH, I SACRIFICED MY SEAHIST MARKS FOR MATH OKAY DAMN BLARDY ARSEHOLE, STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR A B LAH WALAO)

yes okay. let's all be civilized, aye.

kanninacheebyegannasailaosaipangsai

still have gp and lit to go. gp should be fine, and lit.... shouldn't be that bad. hopefully.

moving on!

on the way home I think I fell in love. hahaha. I think I saw the most handsome guy I've ever seen in my entire life. although he was a bit faggot-y, considering the fact that he was wearing tapered pants, had the hood on his hoodie up, and had a PINK WALKMAN PHONE (though I suppose I should be glad it's not a pink motorola razr, at least hahaha :x)

IRREGARDLESS (I love this non-word), he was still damn hot. I haven't openly gawked at a guy in a long time. since sec2 I think. I was dying because he went to stand directly in front of me in the LRT, and um my eyelevel was at a place where it shouldn't be

HAHAHA no lah I'm kidding I didn't look there, I just looked all over the place. up, a lot of the time, to gawk at him some more.

I am such a nerd.

e = mc2

oh yes, and I do so HATE jellyfish boys. (this particular part is just to link the whole post, which I know it rather incoherent, to the title). I was watching an indo drama for a while after tuition, and the leading man in the drama is SUCH A SISSY.

if someone forces you to get married, and you don't want to get married, not to the person in question, not even at that particular time in your life, THEN PUT YOUR MANLY FOOT DOWN AND SAY NO LAH FOR GOD'S SAKE?!

okay why am I getting so excited about this. anyway. I hate guys like that. no backbone. spineless = jellyfish --> JELLYFISH BOY.

bloop bloop.

okay back to ECAWNSSSS wah this post quite long ah haha bye.

sweep everything under the rug, pretend it's dust and stamp it out.

cry when the dust gets in your eyes.

46 so she said what's the problem, baby

what's the problem, out of nowhere baby I'm in love, LOVE :)

hahaha. those are song lyrics btw, in case you're the noobest noob in the world.

you know I never ever wanted to be one of those girls who are so damn oblivious to a guy's feelings for her when it's quite obvious to third parties. I mean, if you think about it, it's really stupid. how impossibly thick-headed could you be not to notice such a thing..

but now that I'm... sufficiently enlightened, I realize it's got a lot to do with how you perceive yourself. sigh. go figure. of course if you don't see yourself as someone that's got a lot to offer, you naturally won't even notice such things. that's the probably the reason why you would be thick-headed enough not to notice in the first place.

and it's not something that you can help either. I mean nobody can be expected to be suspicious of every guy they meet right..

I don't know. I feel like I'm just making excuses. but... argh. I'm quite confused now. really confused, in fact. bewildered. restless, what have you...

dammit, man. I really did not want to be in this situation. how the frick did it all happen so fast. ):

okay in other news. (I'm tired of whining about myself)

I watched shopaholic again today! and I cried again! at the same part of the movie that I cried the last time I watched it. and kris, polly, chermaine, who've not seen the movie before this, didn't cry at all. hahaha I'm some senstitive piece of crap, man, hahahaha. I still can't believe I cried during a chick flick. everyone else seems to think it's overrated -.-

(no, I'm not actually that much of a delicate being. I just feel like I can identify with rebecca bloomwood, especially the part when she feels like she's lost everyone's faith in her.hah.)

lol but I still love the movie no matter what. it's sort of appalling in the way pride and prejudice is appalling upon first glance, because it's so damn superficial (well it seems like it) but it's actually a pretty humourous satire of society.

and again, IN OTHER NEWS! (haha using that phrase is really getting very irritating, but it's still fun)

got econs, and hist back. LIT MATH GP to go! I'm most anxious for mathhhhhh. I did too much math I think, I mean at the expense of my study time for all the other subjects, especially econs and lit. :/ so I'm gonna wet myself if I don't get a B at least, I mean I worked so hard and I got such a shit mark for seahist because I didn't study for it because I was so kancheong (don't know how to spell) about math and it BETTER FREAKING PAY OFFF!!!

I will really cry if it doesn't. sucks.

well so far. econs was horrible. but I maintainted by grade. though that's not what I was aiming for in the first place, because my previous grade sucked. haha. go figure.

and seahist was horrible as well. I kinda expected it, because I just bullshited, didn't know what the heck I was writing about, I got a borderline pass. -.- at least ihist was wayyyyyy wayyyyy better, I don't care what Mr I Shop At Zara says. so hopefully it will balance out. hopefully. really really hopefully.

I'm quite sad about screwing up seahist, because I'm supposed to be good at that. I know I didn't study enough because of math, but I still didn't expect myself to be that bad. ohwell. at least it's a wakeup call, I can work harder for ct2. for once I'm going to try to meet Ms Move Your Feminine Fingers' expectations of me. I know they're quite high. haha. -.-

moving on. (eh it's quite fun to give people nicknames like Mr___ and Ms___. though it sort of makes them sound like Mr Men and Little Miss characters gone wrong. hahaha)

I went to starbucks again today! haha I swear I have to stop being such a dildo, I only go there because I want to see Mr Friendly Cute Starbucks Guy. (insert slightly repulsive fangirl-y sentence....he's so cute la pls)

he said goodbye to me and like a right jackass, I walked right past without even saying anything, just throwing back a measly smile. ugh. I disgust myself.

alright I'm off. :) see you guys.

45 cos there's sunset in your eyes

I hate myself right now, I really do.

I think I'm so freaking dumb for pulling wool over my own eyes because I didn't want to see things as they are. fucking dumb. I wonder if anyone else has ever done that, and I don't know about them but I really feel like a fucking idiot for doing that and I cannot say how damn pissed I am about this -.-

I have to grow up. I cannot be thinking about alternate scenarios and shit like that, I really don't think it would do me any good. I have to put my foot down and dump everything else and freaking move on, I can't believe it's taken me so long and it's been such a fucking painful process but I have to stop being a freaking baby and actually go through with it and make sure it succeeds.

I have to do this if I want to grow up. and I'm doing it, starting tomorrow, no matter what. I fucking swear. ):

44 he's so high,

today was so dry. well. technically it's raining now, so it's wet. but you know what I mean hahaha.

have i mentioned, ever, how much I treasure my brother. seriously. I really cannot say how much I love that bastard. the best bastard to ever be born, maybe. haha.

I don't tell anyone else the stuff I tell him, and he's just that one place that I can go to to offload all of my problems. not as if he's just there for me to complain to. but you know what I mean. heaven knows I need someone to just sit there and listen so I can talk and talk and talk until I finally know what I'm talking about, and then I'd be able to make sense of what's happening. he doesn't mind. freaking angel. he doesn't mind listening to me talk so much crap.

if I don't talk it all out, I don't know what I'd do. I think I'd just be a very irritable person indeed, and that's not somebody I want to be.. of course.

but even he can't help me figure out my own life. it's already april, I'm wondering what the hell I've done so far, and the most important (scary) thing to me right now is that I'm supposed to be 18 this year, and next year I'm hopefully going to be flying off to some far-off country to study, but I don't feel anything like an adult. I'm nowhere near being mentally prepared for alevels, and I certainly don't feel as mature as an 18 year old should be.

I feel like a 15yo, if anything, now how am I supposed to squeeze 3 years of mental maturing into one? or what's left of one....

the pace is picking up again, and it's worse than before cts. it's gonna get much much worse, I know, but already I want everything to stop! for the simple reason that i need to pause and take stock of things. I want to know I'm doing something else with my life other than getting those bloody As.

I wish there was a remote control which would freeze life immediately when I hit the pause button. there's no escaping the fact that everyone has to dive in to this mess of work, pure effort and raw determination that's called A Levels soon enough. but the moment I do that, I won't think of anything else BUT getting an A. before I dive in, I need to stop and think deep and hard about what I really want to achieve for myself, and I'm not talking about grades.

man, my thoughts are all over the place.

and then there's the problem of all the shit that's happened... mostly with regards to guys. I really don't know what happened to my love life. went to the gutter, maybe... or maybe from the drain, to the sewers... but sometimes, I just want to shout, "what did I do?! I didn't plan for any of this to happen, and why is it that I'm always to blame for not saying anything?! how can I say anything in the first place when I'm not even sure of anything??".

sucks.

but this is really not the time to do that, I have to do that on friday after school. think I'll go back to starbucks and think really hard, because I won't have time over the weekend and I don't think I'll do it if I keep putting it off because of mugging.

what a dismal outlook on things. ohwell. j2 life is never something that you can look forward to when you're actually living it, in my opinion. it's only after everything's over and done with that you can really stop and appreciate it all.