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a lot of shit has happened the past few weeks. I should be mugging right now, there's a lecture test tomorrow, and I haven't done econs question 2 either. but I don't really care, I wanna do this. I can always sleep late, no one can stop me.

I don't really talk about it to other people, which is probably for the better. I've been thinking alot recently, about recent developments. haha. and...

1. I need to be a better person. honestly. I think I'm very very emotional right now, and I think you probably know that too. it's either a consequence of or a cause of my being very immature, as far as the way I think is concerned. I've always known that I need to grow up, but I've not realized just how childish I am in the way I go about my life until now.

for one, I'm idealistic to the point of excessive optimism sometimes. 99.9% of the time, I think of the best-case scenario and I never prepare at all for the worst-case scenario. which simply won't do. things are bound to screw up more often than they work out, so I should be more realistic. which is clearly a trait that I haven't developed. and that I really need to work towards now.

another thing is that I tend to think that things will work out on their own even if I put in minimal effort. I'm not talking about work, of course, but other things. like relationships. both platonic and bgr... which is again, a naive thing to do.

so CHANGE HAS COME TO SANTRIANI. hahaha. I've got to grow up man. I'm disgusted with myself for officially turning 18 this december, but only turning 15 in terms of mentality. I've got to be a better person.

2. the next time I get into a relationship, I will make sure that I never get into one out of an overriding need for either security or emotional support. I've really got to make sure that I don't get stuck in a rut because I was looking for nothing else other than assurance that I'm desirable to some extent by the opposite sex, or because I wanted nothing else from companionship with the opposite sex than someone to make sure I don't end up feeling pathetic all the time.

people get into relationships for so many reasons, and I guess the length of time that the relationship goes on, depends on why you got into the relationship in the first place, among other things. it's the most important thing, isn't it. if you've got the right reason, the relationship's stronger and it's more resilient both in the long-term and in the face of other obstacles. namely um NS. haha.

I guess it makes sense that I've not been in a relationship for so long now. because I had the wrong reason all the time, and I wasn't even looking in the right places. neither was I looking for the right people. wrong place, wrong time, wrong motivation. haha this post is starting to sound more and more like an ihist outline. -.-

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3. insensitivity and inconsideration (?) are not indications of an independent mind.

4. didn't think I'd end up saying this, but I don't want to get into any relationship this year. for one, it's my alevel year. I need to devote my june hols to studying, and not going out to chase after guys. believe me it's either/or for me. I can't really do either in moderation. momentum, I guess. O.o

and... my 'emotional well' is running dry right now. you should know why, if you're close enough to me. I'm not so full of love as to want to devote myself to another guy when I've been doing so for a while now and have only recently seen the error of my ways. to put it really nicely.

4. GOT MY MP4 PLAYERR BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :DDDDDDDDDDDDD

kay now I've got to be overjoyed about my mp4 player haha. :) cya guys :)