44 he's so high,

today was so dry. well. technically it's raining now, so it's wet. but you know what I mean hahaha.

have i mentioned, ever, how much I treasure my brother. seriously. I really cannot say how much I love that bastard. the best bastard to ever be born, maybe. haha.

I don't tell anyone else the stuff I tell him, and he's just that one place that I can go to to offload all of my problems. not as if he's just there for me to complain to. but you know what I mean. heaven knows I need someone to just sit there and listen so I can talk and talk and talk until I finally know what I'm talking about, and then I'd be able to make sense of what's happening. he doesn't mind. freaking angel. he doesn't mind listening to me talk so much crap.

if I don't talk it all out, I don't know what I'd do. I think I'd just be a very irritable person indeed, and that's not somebody I want to be.. of course.

but even he can't help me figure out my own life. it's already april, I'm wondering what the hell I've done so far, and the most important (scary) thing to me right now is that I'm supposed to be 18 this year, and next year I'm hopefully going to be flying off to some far-off country to study, but I don't feel anything like an adult. I'm nowhere near being mentally prepared for alevels, and I certainly don't feel as mature as an 18 year old should be.

I feel like a 15yo, if anything, now how am I supposed to squeeze 3 years of mental maturing into one? or what's left of one....

the pace is picking up again, and it's worse than before cts. it's gonna get much much worse, I know, but already I want everything to stop! for the simple reason that i need to pause and take stock of things. I want to know I'm doing something else with my life other than getting those bloody As.

I wish there was a remote control which would freeze life immediately when I hit the pause button. there's no escaping the fact that everyone has to dive in to this mess of work, pure effort and raw determination that's called A Levels soon enough. but the moment I do that, I won't think of anything else BUT getting an A. before I dive in, I need to stop and think deep and hard about what I really want to achieve for myself, and I'm not talking about grades.

man, my thoughts are all over the place.

and then there's the problem of all the shit that's happened... mostly with regards to guys. I really don't know what happened to my love life. went to the gutter, maybe... or maybe from the drain, to the sewers... but sometimes, I just want to shout, "what did I do?! I didn't plan for any of this to happen, and why is it that I'm always to blame for not saying anything?! how can I say anything in the first place when I'm not even sure of anything??".

sucks.

but this is really not the time to do that, I have to do that on friday after school. think I'll go back to starbucks and think really hard, because I won't have time over the weekend and I don't think I'll do it if I keep putting it off because of mugging.

what a dismal outlook on things. ohwell. j2 life is never something that you can look forward to when you're actually living it, in my opinion. it's only after everything's over and done with that you can really stop and appreciate it all.