I haven't been able to sleep well this past week. really bogged down by my own thoughts. insecurity, you might say. insecurities.

I wrote this, I actually wrote this, at about 1 in the morning yesterday, after 1 fruitless hour of trying in vain to just to go to sleep.

it's as though my flesh has become intangible, liquidated. I am weak. The voice in the back of my head rings, screaming like a bigot. Its message is loud and clear. What was I thinking? How could I have ever let myself hang on for so long? You will never understand why it hurts. Someone has reached right through my skin, I feel that icy vicelike grip on my heart, the hand that's slowly, bit by bit, pulling my heart out from my chest.

I've got to stop being an emo shit, dammit. I'm supposed to thinking about nothing except studies at this point in time. I should talk about this to someone. I need honesty, more than ever, now. honesty in its most brutal form. I've got to know... ):

65

"For goodness, growing to a plurisy,
Dies in his own too much." - Claudius (Hamlet)

with every day that passes by, I wonder what I've done, I wonder if my friends ever think of what life will be like after the all-important As. I really didn't think I could ever even miss being in a school that for all its mindblowingly, ridiculously stellar track records, was a bloody hellhole for me in secondary school. I came into rjc with the notion that life would pretty much get even worse because on top of the shit that I'd have to go through again in jc, there'd be the added stress of As.

I found a life nothing like the one that I'd expected :) the people I found are truly worth going to school for, and even though I still wonder what life would have been like if I'd chosen to go to a polytechnic like I'd wanted to, I'm thankful to be blessed with the privilege of knowing such awesome people and calling them my friends. I'm proud to call you guys my friends.... I really do suck at saying it in person and showing it in real life, but you guys know that I love you, every single one of you :)

my life isn't so horrible that the only only only reason I go to school is my friends, but friends make up 90% of the reason why school is bearable right now. it'd honestly be that much harder if I had to go to school with the same people, and had to be faced with three times the workload and fifteen times the pressure. I love you guys.

when I graduate, I know I'm going to miss every single one of you. the trips to the tuition center at bishan every single monday afternoon, the constant toilet rendezvous, the oh-so-exciting gp lessons, the canteen lunches, the library-mugging-cum-movie-watching sessions, the wtf?! pe lessons, the atmosphere of mugging in a75 that is so thick that I could penetrate it with... a stake (?!) every break, the constant lecture-ponning escapades, the lying on the ri astroturf staring up at the inkblack carpet that is the sky, the mugging-sessions-turned-confiding-sessions... aiya. I'm going to miss being in school.

I'll be blogging less now, for obvious reasons. I try to think about how thinking things over in seahist and assessing arguments in gp and pondering life's mysteries in lit is actually something I find intellectual pleasure in. I suppose that's the only way for me not to completely reject this whole mugging frenzy thing, I hate having to be judged by a piece of paper listing my achievements because I'm so much fucking more than that. but ohwell.

mugging is necessary. that's the sad reality. I hate it.

(notice I missed out econs and math. I don't find any intellectual pleasure AT ALL, AT ALLLL, I assure you, in these two subjects. aw. what a friggin pity.)

64 ...

a lot of shit has happened the past few weeks. I should be mugging right now, there's a lecture test tomorrow, and I haven't done econs question 2 either. but I don't really care, I wanna do this. I can always sleep late, no one can stop me.

I don't really talk about it to other people, which is probably for the better. I've been thinking alot recently, about recent developments. haha. and...

1. I need to be a better person. honestly. I think I'm very very emotional right now, and I think you probably know that too. it's either a consequence of or a cause of my being very immature, as far as the way I think is concerned. I've always known that I need to grow up, but I've not realized just how childish I am in the way I go about my life until now.

for one, I'm idealistic to the point of excessive optimism sometimes. 99.9% of the time, I think of the best-case scenario and I never prepare at all for the worst-case scenario. which simply won't do. things are bound to screw up more often than they work out, so I should be more realistic. which is clearly a trait that I haven't developed. and that I really need to work towards now.

another thing is that I tend to think that things will work out on their own even if I put in minimal effort. I'm not talking about work, of course, but other things. like relationships. both platonic and bgr... which is again, a naive thing to do.

so CHANGE HAS COME TO SANTRIANI. hahaha. I've got to grow up man. I'm disgusted with myself for officially turning 18 this december, but only turning 15 in terms of mentality. I've got to be a better person.

2. the next time I get into a relationship, I will make sure that I never get into one out of an overriding need for either security or emotional support. I've really got to make sure that I don't get stuck in a rut because I was looking for nothing else other than assurance that I'm desirable to some extent by the opposite sex, or because I wanted nothing else from companionship with the opposite sex than someone to make sure I don't end up feeling pathetic all the time.

people get into relationships for so many reasons, and I guess the length of time that the relationship goes on, depends on why you got into the relationship in the first place, among other things. it's the most important thing, isn't it. if you've got the right reason, the relationship's stronger and it's more resilient both in the long-term and in the face of other obstacles. namely um NS. haha.

I guess it makes sense that I've not been in a relationship for so long now. because I had the wrong reason all the time, and I wasn't even looking in the right places. neither was I looking for the right people. wrong place, wrong time, wrong motivation. haha this post is starting to sound more and more like an ihist outline. -.-

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3. insensitivity and inconsideration (?) are not indications of an independent mind.

4. didn't think I'd end up saying this, but I don't want to get into any relationship this year. for one, it's my alevel year. I need to devote my june hols to studying, and not going out to chase after guys. believe me it's either/or for me. I can't really do either in moderation. momentum, I guess. O.o

and... my 'emotional well' is running dry right now. you should know why, if you're close enough to me. I'm not so full of love as to want to devote myself to another guy when I've been doing so for a while now and have only recently seen the error of my ways. to put it really nicely.

4. GOT MY MP4 PLAYERR BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :DDDDDDDDDDDDD

kay now I've got to be overjoyed about my mp4 player haha. :) cya guys :)

63 unsettled.

Lady Power says:

something happened today, and made me wonder what the hell is wrong with me
I can't see what anyone could see in me. as in anyone being any guy.
abit trivial... but yeah. told you I think about stuff like this alot.

jazi. says:

haha
well u guitar heroine wad! (:

haha T_T

62 psyche.

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61 it's five minutes to midnight!

I'm going mad, I am. I'm one paragraph away from finishing up my lit essay and I have a sudden craving for cough medicine.

see I told you I'm going mad. ):

well, when you guys become lawyers and doctors and whatever, remember to visit me in rehab... I'll have to be treated for addiction to drugs. namely cough medicine.

...

or maybe I'll be in woodbridge by then. I know I belong there. it's my calling.

sigh. on a more serious note.

thanks you guys, for comforting me and listening to me rant. in person, over the phone, on msn, whatever... I love you guys, thank you so muchhhh. :)

HUGS ALL AROUND :D MY FRIENDS ROCK YO! ^^ LOVE YOU GUYS. :)

i hope you burn in hell, you fucking cunt. I'm not bothering to censor this post because I want the whole world to know how fucking much I fucking hate you. my face is hot and I can't see properly because my glasses are smeared with tears, I can hear your voice and I can't believe I even wanted to protect you. why should I have done anything for somebody who doesn't appreciate it?

you're happy now that you've broken me aren't you? huh you fucking asshole. I don't give a damn what you say, I'm still gonna go ahead and do it. don't think you can scare me away just because you said no, I'm gonna do what I want because I'm 18 and I fucking can, and you can't stop me no matter what you fucking say. fuckhead.

you can never get it past your fucking skull that I've changed in so many ways just for you. I'm a better sister now, I'm a better student, I clean up after myself and I try to be the person that you want me to be. but you never say anything about it you moron. am I nothing to you? does everything I do not matter to you? you told me to change, and I did, against my own will even, because I wanted to get you to see that I could rise to the occassion, but NOTHING EVER WORKS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

it hurts you know. why is nothing I do ever good enough. when I change and when I try to tell you I have changed, to make you see that I can be that person you want me to be, at least little by little if not overnight, you say it's a given. that I have to act that way, or god knows what you'll do to me.

what is wrong with you? I'm not a bad person. I don't have to make myself feel worthless and insufficient all the time simply because you think I'm that way. I am what I am, if you didn't like it I could have changed it for you, but now it all seems like nailing jelly to the wall.

60 blunt but pointless.

if someone could sing never meant to hurt you by wire daisies to me, it'd make my life complete. :) just hearing it live would be really cool. it's such a pretty song. really good. wire daisies are underrated... but I suppose that's part of their appeal.

anyway, just got back. today was quite good, actually. quite fun. I went to madrasah in the morning, came back and did hamlet for most of the afternoon, then went out in the evening to catch farhanah's busking thing at orchard. I should say though that we didn't catch her perform ): cos we janji melayu, came late. hahaha.

walked around orchard for a bit, with rashidi and farhanah. to kino, then to wheelock where we were supposed to catch another busking thing. but they wrapped up already by the time we got there. sat around at starbucks with the two of them.. then farhanah went home and me and rashidi just walked around far east for a while, talking about stuff. quite enjoyable.

then I went to meet my parents at city hall. where we proceeded to have dinner at clarke quay!

I don't usually narrate my life story like this, but today was enjoyable. though a bit pointless, but enjoyable nonetheless. it's okay, I live for pointless things anyway... :) hahaha. I just want to remember what the day was like. nice ah.

faced with a dilemma now... which bag should I buy.. though money is less of an issue now that the price went down. and as for approval from my mum... buy first, get approval later. hahahha.

I wish I could go out with my friends more on weekends... my cousin asked to go out with me every sunday. but then sundays are family time. for my family at least. ohwell. hopefully they'll be more lax with me since after all I am 18 this year. haha.

k lah this post has been so boring. but it isn't like my normal posts are so refreshing anyways. haha. aight c ya guys.

59 that's what she said.

eh I have nothing to blog about sia. going out later. still haven't done much work. the only thing I've done is read my globalisation infopack. which isn't really even work in the first place. I'm too horrified to look at my homework list. which is conveniently buried under all the rubbish in my bag, which is conveniently stuffed under the chair next to my cpu.

oh yea, drama was awesome. :) made new friends, lasting friendships? I don't know. I thought it would really suck, honestly but it was awesome! it started out being horrible and then it became really good overnight. haha. literally...sort of. of course, not without real-life drama behind the scenes. lol. but it was good la. :) I think everyone had loads of fun. and I wish mcs had more events like these...

even though technically I should be wishing for the exact opposite, since this is my alevel year. but heh. I like mcs. what can I say.

I've kinda been thinking about how fast things are gonna go. well, how fast they've gone, are going, gonna go... whatever.. then I realize one year isn't quite enough to (all at once) get all the mugging done, spend enough time with all the friends, every single one of them, show people how much you love them, in my case, maybe a person. cram in last-minute cip hours, stack up all the outside-school extra-curricular stuff I wanted to do..... all at once.

well I can't say I gave every one of those things I listed a shot, but I can say I did give most of them a shot. with varying degrees of intensity... but no matter how everything turns out, j2 is going to be one of the most memorable experiences of my life. I wish I could just freeze these memories and be able to play them again in my head like a camcorder, but more than that I also wish I could to some extent stay this age forever, and that all my friends would stay the same age.

after this year whether we like it or not we're gonna drift apart. the guys are going off to NS. the girls won't be going anywhere, but not being able to see one another every day anymore would surely take a toll on our friendships. and we're not all going to the same school next year, it isn't like how it was from sec4 to j1.

I don't want that to happen. though it's almost a certainty. it's one thing to say to one another "I'm not gonna go off and do my own thing!" but it's another thing to stick to it. I don't wanna lose any of you guys. ):

So if I loved you
Should I dare to tell you
Would it silence you
Like a photograph

So no one told you
How I came to love you
How I came to feel
For you

And I know, something good has come of this
But it's funny how I miss you

And if you're willing
Please forgive me
I never meant to leave you
So nobody could hurt you
And if your conscience could clear mine
I never meant to leave you
I never meant to hurt you

(I, I, I, I, I) never meant to hurt you

So you left me there
No one said you loved me
No one said u cared
No one ever did

So if you're willing
Please forgive me
I never meant to leave you
So nobody could hurt you
And if your conscience could clear mine
I never meant to leave you
I never meant to hurt you

I never meant to hurt you

never meant to hurt you- wire daisies 

the video's crap, I know, but ): such a sad song. love it. it's so haunting. 

he really makes me feel like a fucking piece of shit sometimes. I asked him a question about econs and I told him I don't understand and he can't go more than 2 minutes without getting pissed off that I still don't understand,

fuck you I'm not worthless.

58 uh-oh.

one thing I've definitely learned about myself this year is that I'm fantastic at forging new relationships and making new friends and stuff like that, and I guess it's apparent. but I really suck at maintaining friendships.

I can't remember birthdays for nuts, because i don't even try to remember them, I just depend on friendster alerts to tell me whose birthday is when, and all that.

I don't remember a lot about what's happening in my friend's life, unless it's really something unforgettable, like a cancer-stricken family member or something...

I don't, in fact I have never, thought of doing something sweet for my friends just because I want to be sweet to them and I want to make them smile and make their day, or anything...

I've never actually gotten a friend a real birthday present before, unless you count the joint birthday gifts... but I've never given anyone a gift with a note that says "from ani, happy birthday :)" I kinda think it's a waste of money. I know it's just nice to get somebody a birthday present, but I don't really want to attach the idea of exchanging gifts to any friendship.. the upside is that I don't expect to be given gifts either.

I'm not a very helpful friend either, i think.

this year, especially, I tend to think less about spending time with my friends and I do a lot more of the things I want to do, on my own. when I got problems, I just shut up and think about it myself, I don't go to my friends anymore. and conversely, when people have problems I don't think I'm a good person to go to ask for advice. I'm a good listener, but I don't know how to comfort my friends most of the time. like a friggin piece of wood, I tell you.

sigh maybe all these things are just what girls normally do, as in girls who are really good friends. but it's kinda sad that I don't do these things. no surprise that I feel the way I do sometimes..

go figure.

57 insert title :)

I'm such a bum. -.- was out all day.

well at least I got my seahist plan done... I hope it's good! well better than my ct paper was, at least... although that's not gonna be hard to do :x

yesterday was literally rockinggg. hahaha went to watch ultrasound to support chermaine's band. it was alright from the start, and then when chermaine's band came out me vanessa kris polly quynh anh and victor went to "mosh". I don't really know how to use this term, shoot me down if you want to :P

and it was cool up until erm the heavy metal bands came out. like geez. I don't even like heavy metal. I mean no offence... but it's just not my thing. the crowd just went wild. and we were at the very front of the mosh pit... so when the people at the back started pushing each other for fun I banged my hipbone into the front of the stage. ouch. it's blueblack now, I swear. hahaha

so we went outside and started bothering random guys who passed by (even chermaine's bandmate who was really looking like he wanted to pee damn badly. he actually stopped and took a picture for us! chermaine is a baddddd bandmate... hahahah :P)

didn't stay all the way though, fortunately, I was beginning to think that the song that was being played wasn't English at all, and that it was in fact Gibberish.

alright. so yea... got back home damn late. around midnight. and I didn't get scolded, surprisingly enough. see I don't get it, though. I stayed back late last year for drama rehearsals for mcs and my dad gave me such a severe dressing down my ears could've started bleeding right there and then... and now I stay back late and it's for someone else's performance, and then I don't get scolded.

it doesn't quite add up, don't you think? I just don't get the logic. ehk, whatever, as long as I get to do more than I could last year..

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