moving to lj. friendslocked. haha yeah I know I'm always moving :P I just want to be free to write whatever I want whenever I want to write it. and that means not everyone can see what I have to say all the time, lol.

I haven't been able to sleep well this past week. really bogged down by my own thoughts. insecurity, you might say. insecurities.

I wrote this, I actually wrote this, at about 1 in the morning yesterday, after 1 fruitless hour of trying in vain to just to go to sleep.

it's as though my flesh has become intangible, liquidated. I am weak. The voice in the back of my head rings, screaming like a bigot. Its message is loud and clear. What was I thinking? How could I have ever let myself hang on for so long? You will never understand why it hurts. Someone has reached right through my skin, I feel that icy vicelike grip on my heart, the hand that's slowly, bit by bit, pulling my heart out from my chest.

I've got to stop being an emo shit, dammit. I'm supposed to thinking about nothing except studies at this point in time. I should talk about this to someone. I need honesty, more than ever, now. honesty in its most brutal form. I've got to know... ):

65

"For goodness, growing to a plurisy,
Dies in his own too much." - Claudius (Hamlet)

with every day that passes by, I wonder what I've done, I wonder if my friends ever think of what life will be like after the all-important As. I really didn't think I could ever even miss being in a school that for all its mindblowingly, ridiculously stellar track records, was a bloody hellhole for me in secondary school. I came into rjc with the notion that life would pretty much get even worse because on top of the shit that I'd have to go through again in jc, there'd be the added stress of As.

I found a life nothing like the one that I'd expected :) the people I found are truly worth going to school for, and even though I still wonder what life would have been like if I'd chosen to go to a polytechnic like I'd wanted to, I'm thankful to be blessed with the privilege of knowing such awesome people and calling them my friends. I'm proud to call you guys my friends.... I really do suck at saying it in person and showing it in real life, but you guys know that I love you, every single one of you :)

my life isn't so horrible that the only only only reason I go to school is my friends, but friends make up 90% of the reason why school is bearable right now. it'd honestly be that much harder if I had to go to school with the same people, and had to be faced with three times the workload and fifteen times the pressure. I love you guys.

when I graduate, I know I'm going to miss every single one of you. the trips to the tuition center at bishan every single monday afternoon, the constant toilet rendezvous, the oh-so-exciting gp lessons, the canteen lunches, the library-mugging-cum-movie-watching sessions, the wtf?! pe lessons, the atmosphere of mugging in a75 that is so thick that I could penetrate it with... a stake (?!) every break, the constant lecture-ponning escapades, the lying on the ri astroturf staring up at the inkblack carpet that is the sky, the mugging-sessions-turned-confiding-sessions... aiya. I'm going to miss being in school.

I'll be blogging less now, for obvious reasons. I try to think about how thinking things over in seahist and assessing arguments in gp and pondering life's mysteries in lit is actually something I find intellectual pleasure in. I suppose that's the only way for me not to completely reject this whole mugging frenzy thing, I hate having to be judged by a piece of paper listing my achievements because I'm so much fucking more than that. but ohwell.

mugging is necessary. that's the sad reality. I hate it.

(notice I missed out econs and math. I don't find any intellectual pleasure AT ALL, AT ALLLL, I assure you, in these two subjects. aw. what a friggin pity.)

64 ...

a lot of shit has happened the past few weeks. I should be mugging right now, there's a lecture test tomorrow, and I haven't done econs question 2 either. but I don't really care, I wanna do this. I can always sleep late, no one can stop me.

I don't really talk about it to other people, which is probably for the better. I've been thinking alot recently, about recent developments. haha. and...

1. I need to be a better person. honestly. I think I'm very very emotional right now, and I think you probably know that too. it's either a consequence of or a cause of my being very immature, as far as the way I think is concerned. I've always known that I need to grow up, but I've not realized just how childish I am in the way I go about my life until now.

for one, I'm idealistic to the point of excessive optimism sometimes. 99.9% of the time, I think of the best-case scenario and I never prepare at all for the worst-case scenario. which simply won't do. things are bound to screw up more often than they work out, so I should be more realistic. which is clearly a trait that I haven't developed. and that I really need to work towards now.

another thing is that I tend to think that things will work out on their own even if I put in minimal effort. I'm not talking about work, of course, but other things. like relationships. both platonic and bgr... which is again, a naive thing to do.

so CHANGE HAS COME TO SANTRIANI. hahaha. I've got to grow up man. I'm disgusted with myself for officially turning 18 this december, but only turning 15 in terms of mentality. I've got to be a better person.

2. the next time I get into a relationship, I will make sure that I never get into one out of an overriding need for either security or emotional support. I've really got to make sure that I don't get stuck in a rut because I was looking for nothing else other than assurance that I'm desirable to some extent by the opposite sex, or because I wanted nothing else from companionship with the opposite sex than someone to make sure I don't end up feeling pathetic all the time.

people get into relationships for so many reasons, and I guess the length of time that the relationship goes on, depends on why you got into the relationship in the first place, among other things. it's the most important thing, isn't it. if you've got the right reason, the relationship's stronger and it's more resilient both in the long-term and in the face of other obstacles. namely um NS. haha.

I guess it makes sense that I've not been in a relationship for so long now. because I had the wrong reason all the time, and I wasn't even looking in the right places. neither was I looking for the right people. wrong place, wrong time, wrong motivation. haha this post is starting to sound more and more like an ihist outline. -.-

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3. insensitivity and inconsideration (?) are not indications of an independent mind.

4. didn't think I'd end up saying this, but I don't want to get into any relationship this year. for one, it's my alevel year. I need to devote my june hols to studying, and not going out to chase after guys. believe me it's either/or for me. I can't really do either in moderation. momentum, I guess. O.o

and... my 'emotional well' is running dry right now. you should know why, if you're close enough to me. I'm not so full of love as to want to devote myself to another guy when I've been doing so for a while now and have only recently seen the error of my ways. to put it really nicely.

4. GOT MY MP4 PLAYERR BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :DDDDDDDDDDDDD

kay now I've got to be overjoyed about my mp4 player haha. :) cya guys :)

63 unsettled.

Lady Power says:

something happened today, and made me wonder what the hell is wrong with me
I can't see what anyone could see in me. as in anyone being any guy.
abit trivial... but yeah. told you I think about stuff like this alot.

jazi. says:

haha
well u guitar heroine wad! (:

haha T_T

62 psyche.

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61 it's five minutes to midnight!

I'm going mad, I am. I'm one paragraph away from finishing up my lit essay and I have a sudden craving for cough medicine.

see I told you I'm going mad. ):

well, when you guys become lawyers and doctors and whatever, remember to visit me in rehab... I'll have to be treated for addiction to drugs. namely cough medicine.

...

or maybe I'll be in woodbridge by then. I know I belong there. it's my calling.

sigh. on a more serious note.

thanks you guys, for comforting me and listening to me rant. in person, over the phone, on msn, whatever... I love you guys, thank you so muchhhh. :)

HUGS ALL AROUND :D MY FRIENDS ROCK YO! ^^ LOVE YOU GUYS. :)